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Proof It!

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Way laid-back (perhaps comatose) croonster Jimmy Buffett lends his brand name to this tequila. David Sherman president Donn Lux is pals with him. ("He's a pretty private guy," Lux warns. "If you're going to write anything about him, let me know.") A little digging on the Internet procured a "Parrothead Handbook Margarita" recipe, which features a splash of orange curaçao. Roberts' tender hands whipped up a batch, which were quickly sucked dry.

"Perfect balance, sweet and sour," said the Wino, whereupon Buffett was forgiven for his musical transgressions.

Dos Tiranos Mezcal
$10
80 proof

Rating:

Juarez Tequila (Gold)
$12
80 proof

Rating:

Juarez Tequila (Silver)
$12
80 proof

Rating:

The bottle of non-shudder-causing Dos Tiranos features, count 'em, two Atkins-friendly worms. Not realizing at first that the worms were dead, one panelist tapped on the bottle as one might at the primate house at the zoo.

By the time the Juarez twins were cracked, the panel was nicely buzzed. Suddenly, however, it was as though we'd warped to the absolute-worst level in a computer game -- the one with the fire-breathing dragons scalding your ass with torrid flames.

"You put out a cigarette in this, didn't you?" Young accused Martelli, in reference to the Gold.

The Silver was even worse, causing the Wino to eject his mouthful into Roberts' tomato patch. "This tastes like Off!" he complained. "Don't spit in my garden!" countered Roberts.

Young, meanwhile, teetered into a bizarre reverie. "Once we took a family vacation to Hawaii," he said to no one in particular. "I was knocked over by a wave, and my mouth was flooded with ocean water."

Whiskey
Rebel Yell Straight Bourbon Whiskey
$14
80 proof

Rating:

David Nicholson 1843 Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey
$9
100 proof

Rating:

We quickly got into the spirit of David Sherman's Kentucky-distilled whiskeys. Rebel Yell, after all, is said to be Keith Richards' drink of choice. Billy Idol named an album after the stuff. While the Wino likened it more to a finely tuned, hillbilly yodel than a yell, everyone agreed that this bourbon was smooth, complex and otherwise just right.

While Rebel Yell is "Especially for the Deep South," according to its label, David Nicholson 1843 is Especially for the Lower Midwest. It's distributed exclusively in Missouri and southern Illinois, explains Lux, because it's popular here; in other markets they concentrate on Rebel Yell and Ezra Brooks (see below). Weird!

But the panel liked the 1843 in a dry manhattan Renner whipped up. "Smoky, with an essence of cedar," quoth the Wino. "Clean as the ass of an eighteen-month-old boy," "Mike" put in. Actually it's seven years old.

Ezra Brooks Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey
$15
90 proof

Rating:

Ezra B. Single Barrel Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey
$20
99 proof

Rating:

Ezra Brooks appears to have been crafted to confuse hoosiers. Its black label suspiciously recalls Jack Daniel's (see sidebar), as does its otherwise inexplicable moniker. "Why, that's even more sophisty-kated than JD!" a DSC marketing genius must have envisioned south-side St. Louisans bellowing. "Let's buy us some!"

Unfortunately, our south-side panel panned it. "Smells like the corpse of Ezra Brooks," Young opined.

But where Ezra Brooks fell a bit flat, Ezra B. -- the upscale brand, twelve years old, 49.5 percent alcohol -- delivered. "More depth! More caramel taste!" Renner exclaimed. "It sort of smells like pickles," said a skeptical Young.

Rum
Admiral Nelson's Premium Spiced Rum
$10
70 proof

Rating:

Admiral Nelson's Premium Coconut Rum
$10
42 proof

Rating:

Admiral Nelson's Premium Vanilla Rum
$10
70 proof

Rating:

Admiral Nelson's Premium Raspberry Rum
$10
40 proof

Rating:

The panel grudgingly tolerated Sherman's answer to Jack Daniel's because, you know, Ezra Pound was a cool fascist. But our tasters absolutely would not stand for Sherman's march on Captain Morgan. Perhaps Martelli put it best: "Admiral Nelson needs to walk the plank."

Though some of the infusions were worse than others, all lacked bite, and the panel speculated that they had been conceived specifically for binge drinking.

Roberts suggested that the good admiral was a little light in the loafers -- "I would call him more like Private First Class Gomer Pyle" -- while Renner detected the essence of suntan oil.

"It's what rum drinkers drink when they're not drinking rum," "Jordan" concluded.

Vodka
Pearl Vodka
$20
80 proof

Rating:

Pearl LoCoco
$20
70 proof