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Dave Praeger, a 27-year-old ad man from Brooklyn, New York, has declared April 15 international Poop for Peace Day. Praeger, who operates a Web site called The Poop Report (www.poopreport.com), says about 1,500 people worldwide have pledged to participate in the observance, setting aside political differences and reflecting on the shared human experience of dropping a deuce in the porcelain pool.

Unreal: Should constipated world citizens who want to Poop for Peace snort cocaine that morning to loosen their stingy stools -- a.k.a. the "bump and dump"?

Dave Praeger: I suggest that they try Metamucil first. I don't know if it'll work better, but it'll help.

Is diarrhea an inferior form of discharge to a long, curly turd, peacewise?

Yeah. There's nothing like the feeling of accomplishment that you get when you look in the toilet and see that turd. You feel better about yourself when you see a turd than when you see diarrhea.

After eating peanuts, do you inspect your bowel movement to see if the nuts retain their solid form, embedded in the turd like a marshmallow in rocky road ice cream?

I inspect it anyway. I don't think I'm alone. I think most people do -- some out of pride, some out of horror.

Who would be more likely to shit themselves and why: Kim Jong Il, George W. Bush or Queen Elizabeth?

I guess it'd be Queen Elizabeth, because she's getting up there in age, and that's kind of what happens when you get older. I think both Kim Jong Il and George W. Bush are anal retentive and like to keep their grasp on things, power included.

Let's say you've just picked up your morning coffee on your walk to the commuter train. You let loose what you think is going to be a fart, only it turns out to be a shart. Do you: a) Head back home to shower and change, meaning you'll have to drive instead of saving the environment via public transportation? b) Find the nearest alley Dumpster, strip off your pants, throw away your boxers and go commando the rest of the day? c) Perform the strip-and-ditch in the privacy of a handicap stall at the shopping mall near your stop? Or do you d) tough it out?

I think I'd go home. But if I'm in a rush, I'd head to the stall at the mall. I've heard a lot of stories where people leave their boxer shorts on the stall floor. I consider that a form of turd terrorism.

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