Arts & Entertainment

Danzig Saves Christmas

Ms. Day teaches Mr. Night to enjoy the holiday season (with the help of a li'l bribe)

The day after Thanksgiving traditionally marks the start of the Christmas season — except in the retail environment, where the Christmas season begins on October 29. But for convenience's sake, we'll mark Friday, November 25, as the launching point for "Christmas 2005," and Mr. Night, for one, couldn't be more unhappy about it.

Sad but true, what is touted as a time of "peace on Earth and goodwill toward Man" brings nothing but strife and turmoil to Night & Day Global Industries. As the twinkling lights go up and office secret Santas are chosen, Mr. Night retreats to his dank and foul-smelling "Cave of Grinchiness" (a.k.a., under his desk). Not even the repeated theft of the candies from Ms. Day's Advent calendar can cheer him up. And Ms. Day tries so hard to make him see the beauty of the season.

Ms. Day: Night! Get up here! You haven't seen light in weeks! It's time we got you into the holiday spirit once and for all. Let's head over to your beloved Saint Louis Zoo for the $5 Wild Lights display (from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. beginning November 25; visit www.stlzoo.org or call 314-781-0900 for specific dates).

Mr. Night: Ah, the zoo. Site of so many happy times with my friends, the takins. But no lights! These hours in darkness have honed my senses to a razor-edge, and all I can hear is the crackling and humming of the electrons shooting past one another in the wiring. Such an ugly, harsh noise! No, you go on ahead.

Well, Poopyface, perhaps you'd like to hear some music instead of all that crazy in your head. At 11 a.m. Friday, November 25, we should take a little field trip out to historic St. Charles (400 South Main Street, to be exact) for the opening day of "Christmas Traditions" (www.stcharleschristmas.com). This holiday celebration not only incorporates sounds from the Lewis & Clark Fife and Drum Corps, but there will also be caroling, Santas from around the world and candlelight shopping from 5:30 to 9 p.m.

Why is it always about buying something? Insurance costs are rising, the electricity is too loud, and now I have to shop? All this consumerism is what ruins the holiday. Why can't it just be like it was in the old days, when people weren't so worried about the sales? Oh, what I wouldn't give to travel back in time. Is it tomorrow yet? I want another chocolate from your calendar.

So that's where my candy's been going! Shame on you! Well, I'm giving you one last chance to lighten up before I sell the special present I bought you. Lucky for you, I think you'll really like this next event. It's a candle-lit walk down Central Avenue in Olde Town Eureka that happens from 5 to 9 p.m. Friday through Sunday (November 25 through 27). Yes, there will be festive shopping here, but before you crawl back into that stinky ol' "cave" of yours, I want you to know that there will also be free goodies inside each of the shops — which display old-fashioned decorations! It'll be like going back in time! With free stuff!

Wait, you have a present for me? And if I come out, I can have it?

Yes, but you have to participate in holiday stuff!

Deal. Give it!

Fine, but you didn't have to rip it out of my hands!

It's a life-size Glenn Danzig Action Figure, with lick-and-stick tattoos! This is the best Christmas ever. Deck the halls with tiny Danzig, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laaaaaa! — Mr. Night and Ms. Day (and Li'l Danzig, too)