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The Unreal Guide To Soulard Mardi Gras

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Designated Driver
Combine one bottle of O'Doul's non-alcoholic brew with five shots of Southern Comfort. Pour over Arctic-brand ice. Stir. Drink of the Week says: Who needs all that alcohol to dizzy your head? The Designated Driver uses A-B's non-alcoholic brew to mix with a touch of Southern Comfort. Drink as many as you like without worrying about a DWI.

Sophisticated Sissy
One bottle of Anheuser World Lager, two ounces Korbel Champagne. Garnish with a Beggin' Strip. Drink of the Week says: A sophisticated alternative to all the bullshit the Affton yahoos are drinking. The Beggin' Strip adds salty brininess, like a martini with two olives.

Hissing Dynamite
One can Hurricane Malt Liquor with a dash of Crystal Cajun Hot Sauce. Drink of the Week says: So simple, so clean. The hot sauce releases the soft essence of the malt liquor.

Yucko Mary
Combine one can of Pepsi, three ounces Fetzer Vineyards' Valley Oaks Pinot Grigio, two pieces dog shit courtesy of Yucko's Poop Scoop'n Service (the official poop-and-scoop service of Soulard Mardi Gras) and Arctic-brand ice. Blend.
Drink of the Week says: Earthy and gamy with a hint of wet cardboard in the bouquet, the deep oakiness of a first-growth Château Lafite as it crosses the palate and a solid, extended finish of German Shepherd turd.

Shake Your Money Maker

Mardi Gras Music: Relax. It's OK To Not Like It. You're Drunk, Dance Anyway.

What's a party without music? When you go to Mardi Gras, there'll be music aplenty. Granted, it won't be the usual indie-IDM-death-metal-prog-house-neo post-punk-crunk-alt-country-Bob Schneider-screamo amalgam that's usually blasting from the Unreal cubicle here at RFT central. No, it will be a strange sound that you may not enjoy all that much. So you're not too frightened by what will be attacking your earholes during your revelry, we've come up with this little primer of what you might encounter.

BLUES
Music that was invented by poor black guys, now being "kept alive" by well-to-do white guys. Started off pretty well — a soul being sold to the devil at the crossroads. Only really five blues songs — variations amount to A) exactly how someone done somebody wrong in the lyrics and B) the different guitar (and harmonica, errrr, make that "harp") solos. Took a turn for the worse when some British rockers got ahold of it in the '60s, extending said solos into wankery. Its practitioners and more avid fans dress as if they were in a certain Belushi-Aykroyd film from whence they "discovered" the blues. Actual blues lyrics: "I'm a man. That's M. A, child. N." Glad you've finally mastered spelling, bluesman. Cute blonde in Ghost World: "Oh if you like authentic blues, you've just gotta see Blueshammer!"

FAMOUS PRACTITIONERS:
Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf, B.B. King.

DANCEABILITY
: Medium, if you're not too Caucasian to follow a 12/8, beat that is.

REDEEMING QUALITIES:
Precursor of rock & roll. Gave its name to our hockey team. Keeps the dorks in the Ray-Bans and fedoras out of the better nightspots.

JAZZ
In the right hands, it can be sublime. Wrong hands: either a godawful racket or just plain boooooring. Art Tatum: "There is no such thing as a wrong note." Note to Art: Yes, there is. A defining quality of jazz is improvisation,
A.k.
A. band members making shit up as they go along. Hey kids, wankery's not just for guitarists any more.

FAMOUS PRACTITIONERS:
The Velvet Fog, Bird, Monk, Dizzy.

DANCEABILITY
: Low. Expect a clusterfuck of polyrhythms that'll have you twitching like Pedro Medina in Old Sparky.

REDEEMING QUALITIES:
Something for horn players to do between ska revivals. Jazz musicians are notorious dope smokers — hang around after the gig and see if you can mooch a toke or two.

ZYDECO
C'mon, it's named after a bean. Sounds like someone yodeling in French while a broken-down old train plows through a herd of cats. The main rhythmic instrument is a piece of laundry equipment from a previous century being scraped and smacked with spoons. The melodies, if you can call them that, come from squeezeboxes (accordions) and fiddles (violins), the screechier the better. We've been told there's a difference between Zydeco and Cajun music, but damned if we can hear what it is.

FAMOUS PRACTITIONERS:
You're kidding, right?

DANCEABILITY
: High. It's mostly in 4/4. You can count to 4, can't you?

REDEEMING QUALITIES:
It's rhythmic. Aykroyd and Belushi never made a Zydeco Brothers film. Only rears its head once a year. Unfortunately, that's this weekend.

It's A Small World After All

Your Handy Little Soulard Mardi Gras Phrase Book

Having the "second biggest" Mardi Gras, we're sure to see an influx of visitors from all over the world. Yep, this little shindig has made St. Louis a wintertime tourism mecc
A. Plus, sizable populations have settled here from abroad. Do your part to make these new friends feel a little more at home in our fair town — converse with them in their own language. Here are some questions you're likely to hear this weekend and the appropriate responses, translated for your convenience.

Q. Where might I find a Port-A-Potty?

GERMAN
Wo kann ich eine Toilete finden?

SPANISH
¿Donde puedo encontrar un baño portátil?

BOSNIAN
Gdje da nadjem mobilni WC?

FRENCH
Où se trouve le Port-A-Potty?

A. I think I saw some near Ninth and Allen.

GERMAN
An ihrer Stelle würde ich lieber an diesen bewusstlosen Säufer pinkeln, der da in der Gosse rumliegt.

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