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The Unreal Guide To Soulard Mardi Gras

Continued from page 4

FRENCH
Dîtes-moi encore une fois: le Mardi Gras, c'est quoi exactement?

A. It's the last day you can cut loose before Lent begins.

GERMAN
Ich mag große Ärsche und ich kann es ja nicht leugnen. Also, komm her Schönheit.

SPANISH
Es una fiesta especial para perseguir a todas estas bellas mujeres.

BOSNIAN
To je moja sansa da uslikam tvoje grudi, tako da ih mogu staviti na moju web stranicu kako bi citav svijet uzivao u njim
A. Nasmjesi se.

FRENCH
Ménage à trois?

Is It Nippy Outside?

Here's Some Hints On Prepping the Bosom For Public Display

For many a young woman, Mardi Gras is not just a drunken street bash. It's also the twins' coming-out party. But only a boob would expose herself to strangers on a whim. Successful flashes are thought out and properly prepped. So put on your game faces, gals, and follow these steps that Unreal uses before dropping blou.

Clean, dry & MOISTURIZE

Wash them good. A clean ta-ta is a happy ta-ta. Use a mild body wash, nothing harsh. And smear some creamy goo on them. Yes! Rub it around. That's goooood!

BRAS

No way! You don't wear one at all that day. You'll have elastic marks and you don't want that. When you want to your flash your goods, the last thing you want is to have to work your way around some underwired contraption. Save that Victoria's Secret shit for a date with your sweetie.

MAKEUP

Go easy on that crap! If you got something you wanna touch up, all right then. But you'll be out in the daylight. People'll be able to see if you got a lot of foundation and powder on your fun-bags. That's just tacky. If you have a fair complexion, use a little blush around the nipple. And some tasteful glitter will make your boobies all friendly and sparkly!

Ridin' The Gravy Train

Sponsorship Opportunities: It's The Name Of The Game, Boy.

Second-biggest Mardi Gras, second-biggest Mardi Gras: How many times have you heard it? Have you ever wondered: What with all the bigger and cooler cities in the good ol' US of A, how on earth did St. Louis end up with the second-biggest Mardi Gras? Maybe those cities realize something we don't — Mardi Gras is a uniquely New Orleans-centric experience, and that's where anyone wanting that experience heads during these waning days of winter. But maybe we know something that hasn't yet dawned on those other burgs: That finding a successful fest elsewhere and aping it — no matter how lamely — can pack the streets with patrons and make the cash registers go cha-ching. Yet mysteriously, the calendar remains fairly open. What gives? Here's a whole year's worth of Nth-biggest partays just waiting for a certain neighborhood to take advantage of.

January 20-22
Soulard Festival of the Cod
Originally celebrated in Helsingborg, Sweden, this could be the largest festival of the cod in the Central United States. Duplicating the cod-fishing events that take place in the coastal areas of southern Sweden might be a problem this far from an ocean, but the various Soulard establishments could surely fry up some of this tasty fish. Or nuke some Mrs. Paul's.

February 17
Soulard Tet Nguyen Dan
Show us your Tets! The Vietnamese new year is usually not celebrated in the United States (many find it somewhat offensive). Luckily, it falls on a Saturday during Mardi Gras this year, so with a little imaginative re-branding, Soulard could have the largest Tet celebration in the United States.

March 5
Soulard Casimir Pulaski Day
This Illinois state holiday, honored in songs by Big Black and Sufjan Stevens, is also observed in Wisconsin. There's nothing stopping Soulard from having the biggest Casimir Pulaski bash west of the Mississippi.

March 10
Soulard Tibetan Uprising Day
Take to the streets of Soulard to protest China's invasion and occupation of Tibet, just as the good people of Lhasa did back in 1959. Gather again in a week as an honorary Dalai Lama is forced to flee Soulard.

April 28-29
Soulard Vidalia Onion Festival
Onions, onions, onions. We don't grow 'em in Soulard, but we can celebrate them in a fashion second only to the sweet onion capital of United States — Vidalia, Georgia.

May 27-June 2
Soulard Fleet Week
Hey, sailor! If you're not in New York City this week, be sure to don your sailor garb and barhop during the largest Fleet Week celebration that's 700 miles or more from an ocean with no navy vessels in sight.

June 4
Soulard Inti Rymi
A celebration featuring topless women dancing with snakes at the ruins of the Inca fortress of Saqsayhuaman (pronounced sexy woman) near Cuzco, Peru. Substitute "Soulard Market" for "Inca fortress" and all systems are go. We hope and pray Soulard can find the sponsors to put on the largest Inti Rymi north of the Equator, because this is the sort of throwdown Unreal can really get behind.

June 7-15
Soulard Vestalia, festival of Vesta
Has the potential of being damn near the largest Vestalia celebration since the fall of the Roman empire. It features virgins, for God's sake! (May be a problem following this closely on the heels of Soulard Inti Rymi.)

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