News

The Unreal Guide To Soulard Mardi Gras

Continued from page 5

June 10-11
Soulard Horseradish Festival
Mardi Gras Übermensch Tim Lorson: "We'll start off with the second-largest horseradish festival in the metro are
A. Then, through the might of our powerful sponsors, we'll yank this sumbitch clean away from those rubes in Collinsville."

June 23-24
Soulard Jim Bowie Days
Bowie, Texas, honors its namesake with a this annual shindig. Soulard can surely get behind partying with knives.

July 14
Soulard Bastille Day
Since Soulard is so proud of its French heritage, celebrating the storming of the Bastille Soulard-style with some fake beheadings while buzzed on wine is a no-brainer. (Ed: Ahem, they've already thought of this one on their own. )

July 18-23
Soulard Hemingway Days
The Hemingway family is not sure that the Hemingway Days in Key West, Florida, actually "honor" their Papa Ernie, what with the drunkenness and the look-alike contests. Guess how they'll feel when a bunch of gray-beards crowd Soulard using him as just another excuse to tie one on.

August 17-19
Soulard Dragon Boat Festival
Modeled on an Asian-themed event in Victoria, British Columbia, the lack of a large body of water in which to float dragon boats might be a problem. (Is there a park we can dig up and flood?)

September 8-9
Sheep and Wool Festival
Going head to head with the little town of Essex Junction, Vermont, shouldn't present much of a challenge to the masterminds behind all these other benders. Within a couple of years, we should own this one.

September 22-23
Soulard Pirate Festival
Arrrrrr! Why should they have all the pirate-themed fun in Portland, Oregon, on this weekend? Let's keelhaul the scurvy knaves. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of SoCo.

October 12-13
Soulard Goats, Music and More Festival
If you're not taking your prize mini fainting silky goats to Lewisburg, Tennessee, this weekend, bring 'em to Soulard. (Somebody check and see if Cowboy Mouth is booked yet.)

November 17-18
Soulard Elephant Round-Up
Since 1960, up to 300 elephants have marched through Surin, Thailand, to enjoy a breakfast of various fruits the townsfolk have gathered for them. Once sated, these large yet gentle beasts participate in a variety of elephant games to the delight of young and old alike. Well, 300 elephants is a tall order. Maybe Soulard could borrow Maliha, Ellie and Rani from the zoo for a couple of days of exploitation, making this the biggest annual elephant round-up party in a state between Arkansas and Iow
A.

December 7
Soulard Qusnigim Kevga
(the Reindeer Messenger Festival)
The people of the Cup'ig Eskimo village of Mekoruk, which is on an Alaskan island in the Bering Sea, have such a darn good time during Qusnigim Kevga that, as much as we've tried, we just can't keep ourselves from transforming Russell Boulevard into a replica Cup'ig village. The original may have more actual reindeer messengers in attendance, but ours will have more people crowding the Bud Select Party Igloo ordering a cold frosty one. "Show me whatchoo got, Cup'ig."

December 26
Soulard Boxing Day
Celebrated the day after Christmas throughout the British Empire, Boxing Day is ripe for the Soulard-style Nth-biggest treatment. Americans erroneously believe it has something to do with either returning unwanted gifts or honoring the "Sweet Science." Researching this stuff is a bitch, so we'll go along with that. Get those gifts returned early so you can c'mon down for some Hoosierweight boxing at the South Broadway Athletic Club, a Bahamian-style Junkanoo parade along Broadway ("Who let the dogs out?") and then getting liquored up in participating bars and restaurants till last call.

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