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Secret Santa

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"Every ride at Busch Gardens has thermobooster underneath the Earth's crust to launch the Batman ride into outer space with Tom Hanks Apollo. People don't know Steve Fossett is in another galaxy right now. This causes me fear.

"I got big problems with Anheuser. I was discriminated against because I'm a felon. They are forcing American soldiers to drink Bud, so the Iranians have a fighting advantage. Look what Busch did to Mel Gibson, my Pen Pal....

"I'm drinking Anheuser Busch while writing this lawsuit....

"I have to write small to fit this in. Plaintiff moves to stop selling beer to computer hackers. Defendants plan to kidnap me with CNN Dr. Sanjay Gupta to sell my organs for science fiction and fertilization my ovaries for global spread., so Jonathan Lee Riches clones can write lawsuits in other countries...."

Ever get the urge to jump up and ____ this damn town? Tell Unreal about it! unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

Local Blog O' the Week

"Jeannette Eats Spaghetti"

jeannetteeatsspaghetti.blogspot.com

Author: Jeannette E. Spaghetti

About the blogger: Jeannette is a 29-year-old freelance writer who's obsessed with Modest Mouse. Says she: "I'm worth a million in prizes. James is paying me off with daily-prizes over the course of our lifetime. Score! I hit the husband-jackpot!"

Recent Highlight (November 26): Bare Naked Ladies (and Gentlemen)

Hallelujah! We're finally going to cover the naked windows.

To be precise, one window is stark naked while the other one is partially nude.

To keep people from seeing in and to minimize the morning glare on my computer screen, I have pieces of newspaper and notebook paper taped to the window (I'm not joking) that faces the alley.

The other window is totally naked.

And that's the one looking directly into my neighbor's bedroom. Before you ask, the answer is yes, that guy still watches porn.

When I wrote about it a couple of months ago I thought the guy was on a porn-watching streak, but it's routine. I see it all the time, almost daily. He watches an even mix of porn, sports, sports news, and Family Guy. Those are his favorites.

Also, he's been yelling a lot lately. On Friday he was screaming into the phone for a good 45 minutes, promptly followed by 30 minutes of porn.

I know too much.

And that's why we're going to install these things.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

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