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Boink Till You Oink

Unreal celebrates Missouri's status as the most sexually adventurous state in the union, crunches the numbers on the NHL and symphony strikes and vicariously meets a dapper young boxer; plus, we get a long overdue haircut

Though same-sex sex was illegal in Missouri until recently, porking a wild boar has been totally cool with lawmakers for quite some time. So Unreal wasn't exactly surprised to learn that according to a recent study, the Show Me State is the most sexually adventurous state in the Union.

But we were impressed.

We quickly put in a call to 39-year-old Clint Arthur, founder of the New Sex Institute, the Beverly Hills-based group behind the highly scientific study.

Unreal: What is the New Sex Institute, exactly?

Clint Arthur: When I was 28, a friend of mine explained to me how to give any woman G spot-squirting orgasms, and that's the basis for the New Sex experience. We sell and distribute information products about New Sex techniques. Some people say it's like "McTantra": What you're going to find is something that an American man would not feel hokey about doing in order to experience the intensity and intimacy and passion that comes along with tantric sex.

We're familiar with the old Missouri adage that "If it's old enough to oink, it's old enough to boink." But how'd you determine Missouri men to be the biggest pervs?

We took all of the orders for our products that we received over the last five years and we broke them down by state. Of course, California had the most orders on an absolute basis. However, when you factor in the populations of all the states, we came up with a sexual-adventurousness quotient, and Missouri had the highest score. It came as a shock to us.

This tantric stuff is cool, sorta, but for male Missourians, being "sexually adventurous" might well translate to "snorting a line of coke and sucking your first dick." Did your study take that factor into consideration?

I can't believe you just said that. [Laughs] Heterosexuals are still the majority of the population, and so for the majority of the populations who are just concerned with heterosexual sexuality, the opportunity to experience something new in sex is how we define their adventurousness. I don't condemn homosexual sex, but that's not what we're teaching here.

How about bestiality? Necrophilia?

Those would be sexual perversions, and that's not at all what we're talking about.

Unreal knows a contest when it smacks us upside the head! We want to hear your most Titillating But True Tale of Carnality. Two rules: The sexual adventure must have taken place within the state of Missouri, and the story must be true. The winner gets a free copy of the New Sex Institute's most popular DVD, New Sex Now. Send entries to Unreal, c/o Riverfront Times, 6358 Delmar Boulevard, St. Louis, MO 63130 or e-mail unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

Clip Joint

The Unreal tresses were getting a bit unruly when lo and behold, there appeared in our inbox an announcement heralding the twentieth anniversary of the Hair Emporium in Florissant.

HE proprietor and self-described holistic stylist Suz Pratt subscribes to the eat-right-for-your-blood-type philosophy. When a bout of flu compelled us to cancel our first date, she advises that we neutralize our pH immediately, with walnuts.

We're barely past the handshake stage of our rescheduled appointment when Pratt blurts, "There's one thing you gotta let me do--"

"Oh, no," an alarmed Unreal cautions. "Eyebrows are off-limits."

We briefly consider scrambling to safety, but we're taken by the ambiance: plants galore, bead sculptures, books with titles like Cosmetic Jurisprudence, and for sale, raw sugar, organic tampons and emotion potions. "Today I took one so as not to be overenthusiastic," Pratt reveals.

Pratt's a champion of hair dyes that contain enzymes (as opposed to peroxides), but it's reassuring to learn that she also drinks, and cusses like a sailor. While her daughter Chelsea shampoos us, Pratt smokes a butt. Then we get comfy in our leopard-print smock and Pratt gets rolling with the scissors and the quips.

On Botox: "We're against that." On $800 cuts: "Those people must really be full of themselves." On choosing a hairdresser: "You want knowledge, sincerity and an art background."

With that, she points the way to the waxing chamber. Powerless to resist, we follow.

LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK

"STL STREETS"

www.stlstreets.com

Author: Steven Fitzpatrick Smith

About the blogger: Readers of the RFT may already know the 32-year-old Smith as a boxing promoter. He trains Golden Gloves boxers at his Panda Athletic Club on Broadway and throws amateur "Hoosierweight" boxing matches a few times a year.

Recent Highlight (February 21, 2005): Here is a picture of Lorenzo "Technical" Taylor right before his [Diamond Gloves Tournament] bout. He looked very very slick with great head movement and counter punching abilities. As you might notice there is a trend going on with the kids. A couple of them have adopted sharp hats. They got them on their own. I think I might give them one of my old hats. Lorenzo insisted on going into the ring wearing the hat. We had to remind him that it was mandatory to wear headgear and the hat wouldn't fit on his headgear. You might also notice he is wearing a Rick James t-shirt. He pointed it out to me proudly and I complimented him. I loved the shirt. The kid was wearing a Rick James shirt, he has a gold grill and a fedora. That kid has more style than any other kid on the northside. At the Spinks fight he wore a new pair of Air Force Ones and a knit cap with ear covers on it. He was strutting around like he was the hottest thing around. And he was.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.